Monday, September 14, 2015

Senior Year 2007 Part 1

I've wanted to share this since last year, but I never got to. I don't know if something came up or I just chickened out of it. Seeing as I almost talked myself out of doing it now, it's probably safe to guess which was the real cause.

It's the story of the first couple of months of my senior year in high school.

While definitely not a fascinating story, it's something that I would remember every September for years afterwards. Thankfully eight years later now it's all behind me and the only real reminder is that I am who I am today partially because of those few months.

My two main reasons for sharing this is because 1) It happened and 2) I've been wanting to share more of myself here.  Something that I've been wanting to do since last year, the beginning of this year and the beginning of the summer. Easier said than done apparently.

This is going to be part journal entries from the time and part me now explaining everything (or at least trying to) .

I should probably mention that the topic is depression; and some journal entries involved me calling people "bitches" and "whores" and "fat cow" is used as a verb.
Probably where most of the explanations will be required.

I mentioned in a post earlier this year that high school was nothing like the books or Saved by the Bell made it out to be. And senior year was no exception.
It was nothing like Grease... or those other musicals about high school!
Not that I ever watched those. Just maybe the second.

High school was never an easy experience but at some point I managed to find friends. Friends who were fans of those musicals and called me the weird one.
No judgement though, like what you're going to like.
I liked using "big" words and they liked judging me for it.

Clearly these were not best friends, they were just there. And I was 100 percent aware of it even then. More that a few entries mentioning them and the future usually had a "if we're still friends" thrown in. We met up at lunch, if they remembered to include me and that was it.

Even in our little group we were still separated into groups, so when half broke off it wasn't too big a deal. One was obsessed with sex (not having any just the idea of it), one was a bit of a prude, and the other liked making fun of everything (I'm hoping it was a self-esteem thing and not her just being a jerk.)
Which left me: the "brainy" bookworm who wasn't afraid to be who she wanted, the girl afraid to leave her childhood, and the girl afraid to be who she was. I assume since out of all them she's the one I talked to the most and therefore became my closets friend.
To a point where sometimes it was just the two of us.

Enter senior year:

Wednesday September 5, 2007
First day of School.

Yeah, well. I don't know what I was expecting. Everything was suppose to be perfect; last year, great friends, I know so many people.*
So not!
When will I learn?
They have me marked down as a junior, I doubt I'll be able to fix it. So I'm praying it's the last year. It should be since I do have the credits.
Friends? Yeah total bitches.
And knowing everyone else is pretty worthless.


It was such a bad day, those whores totally pulled a fat cow!** I can't spend my last year alone. It'll be just like my first year here.


*Some expressions were changed to make more sense.
** My making "pulled a fat cow" a phrase started in 7th grade when my best friend decided I wasn't cool enough to be friends with, which should also explain the "When will I learn?"
This girl was my best friend since 1st grade but at age 12 she decide it was time for a boyfriend; she picked the popular guy, got rejected and became friends with someone who suggested she do something about her "appearance," ignoring my supportive don't listen to them.
Long story short, once she ditched me I started writing really mean things about her in my journal.


At this point yes, just the diary ramblings of a 17 year old girl, especially the name calling. But it was just day one. I'm hoping to get at least a month in.
Don't worry I didn't write everyday and I won't be sharing every single thing, but I just want to take things from "Day 1" to "So this is depression."
No idea how long that'll take, seeing as how besides "friends" I had to deal with a careless counselor, my father and a few teachers.

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