Monday, September 28, 2015

Senior Year: "Why Bother?"

Senior Year 2007 Part 1

This is the story of the first couple of months of my senior year in high school.
While definitely not a fascinating story, it's something that I would remember every September for years afterwards. Thankfully eight years later now it's all behind me and the only real reminder is that I am who I am today partially because of those few months.
My two main reasons for sharing this is because 1) It happened and 2) I've been wanting to share more of myself here.
This is going to be part journal entries from the time and part me now explaining everything (or at least trying to) .

Friday September 7, 2007
That's an interesting turn of events I don't know. The problem is I already know too many people!
Remember what Stefani used to say. Everyone loves mentioning that!
Life's never what you want.
-weekends, -breaks, - holidays /Tuesdays & short days.
I need to find a meeting to pass time. I'm always writing. People will think I'm stuck-up.
Might have found the reason for being angry.
I can't believe they did this, what is it like an every two or three year thing?

*The number of friends that came and went. (I was number 1.)

"Why bother?" A question I found myself pondering by the end of the first week, and most likely embraced by the second week since the only entry for that week is a trip to the dentist.
This was the second time in my life that I had been rejected by people who I considered friends. In a five year period too. ( I'm not sure why I said two or three years, unless I blocked out a second time this happened.)
I stopped caring. I decided why am I going to go follow another group of potential friends who will either just drop me later or are fully aware why I'm suddenly hanging around.
Stefani was a friend who despite being in a grade ahead always ended up in a class with me, and in the later years she would bring up seeing me around alone. At least she tried I would usually be pretty evasive. She wasn't the first to bring it up, unfortunately she was only the second friend to try and mention it. I'll get to everyone else in a later post.

It had only been four days and I was already counting the days until graduation and trying to find anything that would help things go faster and leave me unnoticed.

One way to make that work?
Check out.

From everything including the things I enjoyed.
Like dancing.

Saturday September 15, 2007
I was suppose to call Alice so I can go practice the dance with other people. But I didn't. I don't know why I didn't.
Mom's being all mean about it. She's making me want to cry.
I've been wanting to do that a lot lately.

And then because I wasn't feeling bad enough I got sick.

Monday September 17, 2007
I'm sick which sucks. Didn't go to school which sucks. I can't keep missing school.

Tuesday September 18, 2008
Stayed home again, my body is just growing weak. I'm not as sick as I was yesterday but why bother.

Wednesday September 19, 2007
Came home early; didn't feel myself getting better.
Now I just feel guilty, it's been three weeks and I haven't been for a full week.
I can already feel my grades go crashing down.*

*Spoiler: they did.

I had also skipped a day after I went to the dentist because my "jaw was hurting." I was fully aware that these pains and reasons for saying home were about 90 percent all me looking for some excuse to not go to school. And I was actually telling myself that, to the point where I started questioning if all these pains and illnesses were just in my head.
(This is why I still can't really listen to the song Crazy. I'm already losing it but let's throw in a song continually saying "Does that make me crazy"  constantly playing on the radio.)

I don't know if my mom picked up on something, or maybe she was just looking for something to keep me busy but this was when she bought me beads and wire. And ever since that's what I'll turn to.
This is also the point of my life when I started listening to country music; which is what kept me (and still does sometimes) from completely losing it.

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