Monday, October 26, 2015

Senior Year: How Sad

Part 3: It's All One Big Mood Swing
Part 2: Why Bother?
Part 1: Senior Year 2007

This is the story of the first couple of months of my senior year in high school.
While definitely not a fascinating story, it's something that I would remember every September for years afterwards. Thankfully eight years later now it's all behind me and the only real reminder is that I am who I am today partially because of those few months.
My two main reasons for sharing this is because 1) It happened and 2) I've been wanting to share more of myself here.
This is going to be part journal entries from the time and part me now explaining everything (or at least trying to).

20 days into the school year and we're basically at the point where I stopped.
Everything. Writing, any school work, any interactions.

Evidence of me wanting to write is right on that page. The date is in a different ink. Which means that at some point I did want to say something but couldn't bring myself to do it
I didn't feel like doing anything and, really, what would have been worth writing?

Thursday September 27, 2007
My life is just spiraling down! It's like I wake up and all my problems come back. I seriously need to talk to someone who'd understand.

Is that "spiraling down" line a bit dramatic?
Hindsight, right?
But at the time of this entry is when I realized "So this is depression."
I gave up on everything, 20 days into the school year and I had probably missed half. I'd stay home, try to sleep, cry, feel bad about not being able to get myself to go to school. And watch cartoons. Which would then make me cry.
If you're curious about what cartoon that was. If I didn't already suspect something was seriously wrong with me; crying over a Tom and Jerry cartoon where the cute little ducky wants to kill himself would have been a big tip off.
And like some songs from the time I still get a little upset when it's on.

The thing about me is that I always have two points of view; as much as I wanted to hide away from the world (those commercials for home schooling looked very appealing as time went on)  I knew that I had to take back control.
The reason I was at such a low point is because people knocked me down there. And I wasn't about to let them keep me down. Not that they even noticed.

Of course, this wasn't an over night realization or recovery but I knew I can to get there some time.

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