Monday, October 12, 2015

Senior Year: It's All One Big Mood Swing

Part 2: Why Bother?
Part 1: Senior Year 2007

This is the story of the first couple of months of my senior year in high school.
While definitely not a fascinating story, it's something that I would remember every September for years afterwards. Thankfully eight years later now it's all behind me and the only real reminder is that I am who I am today partially because of those few months.
My two main reasons for sharing this is because 1) It happened and 2) I've been wanting to share more of myself here.
This is going to be part journal entries from the time and part me now explaining everything (or at least trying to) .

Friday September 21, 2007
I have no idea what's going on. So it was suppose to be one big mood swing.
All the drama, "what drama?"

Everything was pretty good, yeah you gotta come up with better than that and 'alright'. You think 'pretty good' sounds better and it's not like it's the end of the world.
Let's get past the land of "sweet smirks" and do what we really want! What it that anyway?

It's probably just better to forget you ever knew them, it works pretty well for them. Well except when they need something; then they actually have the nerve to consider you a "girlfriend".
Which is when you start to let your guard down; which is pretty dumb because you shouldn't forget so easily, hold your grudges because if they did it once they'll do it again, then you'll have to go through life just waiting for that moment when they send your world crashing down AGAIN!

And then what happens? It's like the whole world is against you, you were the bad one meant to wander the earth alone.
Until that special someone comes along, but that would never work because you still have your guard up and have serious issues with getting comfortable. And they keep mentioning how they would see you alone, all quite and sad.
So then you start to wonder: "then why didn't you do something about it before?"
Which is weird because you would still have that awkwardness between you.
So it is just one big mood swing; it takes you to a point where you're so happy you don't want it to end you forget all your worries and then it all comes back and then you can't even remember why you were so happy.

"You" meaning me. I still do that sometimes. I think this might have actually started around that time in my life.
I'm not entirely sure what inspired this journal entry. From the looks of it I was writing a lot of random thoughts out like that. Maybe I was trying to write to myself, maybe I thought one day it should be shared with the world.
In that case "you" would be you the reader

So my point would have been, don't be happy?
To be fair the entry that followed a week later is me realizing I might have been depressed. So happy probably wasn't something I was throwing around.

Really though, my point was the people I had to interact with.
You've got the backstabbing friends who easily forget until the moment they need you. Story of my life right there. (It's why I recently got a Wonder Woman cape, someone who can normally forget I exist needed something. So they bribed me with a shiny cape.)

But then there's the other group the people who wanted to be friends, because maybe they saw that I was lonely?
I don't know what their motives were, but at some point they would feel the need to tell me they always saw me walking around with "the saddest look." Which made me want to ask "Why not talk to me then?" You see someone with such a "sad look" wouldn't you want to talk to them about it? Maybe try to make them feel better?
Maybe not. But seeing that these people would bring it up they clearly wanted to talk a little about it.

I wasn't looking for a shoulder to cry on I was looking for a distraction, something to make me smile for a short while.
People telling me that I was showing emotions did not help.

My guard was up and never really came down, (seeing that people think they can bribe me with cheap capes I don't wonder why much) and because of that it was hard to trust and let myself enjoy the moment without thinking that the other shoe would drop.

After that I only had two friends in high school, one of them still tries to hit on me on Facebook.

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