Monday, November 9, 2015

Letter to Me: Senior Year

“I always worried someone would notice me, and then when no one did, I felt lonely.”
― Curtis Sittenfeld

To Me Sept. 2007

The only real friends you've had in high school just ditched you.
You don't really know why, it just happened.

Sound familiar?

Sorry to say it's not the first time that it's happened. And by this point you're wondering if it is something you do. Or don't do.

Can't really understand why supposedly good friends just forget you. Like you never existed.
Sadly this time you'll end up really screwed up, not being able to truly trust anyone.

So you're starting your senior year as the "lonely loser."
You know you can't be, too many people know you now. No one cares but they still notice. They might care but it's not a group you can naturally fit into.

What's scary is that a part of you knew it would happen; just look back at some of your journal entries, whenever you talked about your senior year it would always lead to a mention of friends and end with you writing "If we're still friends."

I'm not saying you should have planned for the worst or anything.
Maybe you should look at what you were trying to say. What does it say about your friendship if you didn't think you could last through high school?

You'll get over it sooner than you think, but those trust barriers won't disappear as easily.
You've said it yourself "Life is never what you want."

You're counting the days until you can get out of this supposed hell hole, but things get way better. Not what you expect, but by now you know nothing ever is.
You're going through some serious depression. You don't care about anything. Sometimes you just want to stay home, but now even cartoons make you cry. You walk through just a shell of a person, thankful no one actually notices you and again fall into tears when someone actually does.

You'll bury yourself in books wishing you could be like those characters; they always seem like they know what they're doing.
You'll be fine, but you're going to end up having to clean up the mess you've made. You're grades will suffer horribly; everyone will tell you there's no chance of graduating.

Alright not everyone; just the counselor and that father of yours.
You prove them wrong. And it's a great feeling.
To do it you're kind of on your own for that part but it is possible, don't give up.
And don't just focus of getting out of school. Think long term.

If I can bring you back to your "master plan" it ends with "Grow up, actually get the guts to do it."
It's another thing you'll be alone for, things just don't fall into your lap, but it'll be worth it.

By now you're probably hating me, talk about pouring salt in a wound, especially since I'm throwing your own words back at you. But remember they were my words first. They may not make sense now but they will.

Diana 2009

Part 5: Afterwards
Part: 4 How Sad.
Part 3: It's All One Big Mood Swing
Part 2: Why Bother?
Part 1: Senior Year 2007 

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